Graphic by Jacob Newman
Hoping to sound smarter in his classes, freshman philosophy major Sam Alec recently purchased a new Merriam-Webster thesaurus.
While Alec admits that he has a lack of knowledge on topics like current events, politics, science and basically anything that requires thinking, he insists that substituting his small brain with big words will make him seem smart.
“If I can use dialogue that is purposefully discombobulating, then the academician and tutees will be impuissant to challenge my assertions and will be dragooned to believe that I am really acute,” Alec said.
Since he purchased the thesaurus, Alec, who previously had no friends, now has “a cornucopia of acquaintances” who are all amazed by his perceived sense of intelligence.
“Now that Sam is using big boy words that sound smart, I can’t help but draw comparisons between him and Shakespeare,” said Brad Tinydingle, Alec’s new friend. “He is the poet of our generation. Granted, he’s a poet who also doesn’t wear deodorant or shower much, but that’s beside the point.”
Alec has also attracted many “equitable broads” who “long for his precise tongue.” Alec, who never had a girlfriend because of his constantly-stained khaki shorts and never-washed underwear, is pleased to find that it just takes a bunch of four-syllable Latin words to make women fall in love with him.
“He’s much more than a 5-foot-6-inch pale white kid with yellow teeth and constantly sweaty pits … he’s a genius,” said Sally Naperkowski, the attractive blonde who once dated Devon Hotbod, the captain of the football team. “He’s also really good at dirty talk.”
Professors who once thought that Alec was just some idiot who wore brown Crocs all of the time, now believe that his intelligence is reaching new unforeseen heights. They’ve given him automatic As in all of his classes, as well as their firstborn sons.
Some students argue that his thesaurus does not give him more intelligence, but rather a greater sense of entitlement and egoism. According to the naysayers, calling books “novellas,” writers “wordsmiths” and children “whippersnappers” does nothing but complicate communication.
“His statements have no value or impact. It’s just words upon more words, with no clear proposition or stance,” said Alec’s classmate John King.
Alec responded by saying, “I fancy the superlative doohickies. I savor macaroni and canvas treatises. I do not cognize what I’m verbalizing 80% of the time. I am no longer a hombre, I am a thesaurus, taking the silhouette of an anthropoid.”
It is unclear what career Alec will pursue after college. He says that he is stuck between writing mission statements for businesses or writing science fiction novels. Whatever path Alec chooses to follow, it will be lined in “perspicacity” and “opulence.”
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Alex Mumm at almu7579@colorado.edu.
