Satire: To CAM the Ram from an anonymous buffalo

A cartoon of a buffalo. (Trin Bonner/ Rocky Mountain Collegian)

Editor’s note: This story was cross-published on the Rocky Mountain Collegian’s website, as well as in a special collaborative print edition with the Rocky Mountain Collegian in honor of the 2024 Rocky Mountain Showdown.

This is a satire piece. Real names and the events surrounding them may be used in fictitious/semi-fictitious ways. 

My dearest Cam,

I write to you as an anonymous buffalo today, so that I do not draw any national attention to my comments. It would be a shame to waste publicity on such a truly unimportant school. 

While your school spent the first half of the 20th century trying out three other mascots before they settled on a glorified sheep, I have been fortunate enough to be the only animal to ever represent my school. So I say this with pity for your…home situation. If you ever need a place to stay, you can crash on my couch. 

While the University of Colorado has been in our ‘Prime Time’ era, it seems that ‘Big Ram Summer’ never caught on. 

This year we had a record 68,000 applicants for the freshman class and at least half of our admitted freshmen had 4.0 or higher high school GPA’s. By the way, GPA stands for grade point average, if you didn’t know. I mean, your acceptance rate is 91%…

Now, I know that you’re up in Fort Collins doing your best to rally those Rams, but let’s face it: you’ll never be the best performing in athletics in Colorado, you’re not even second. Come on, Cam. You’re trying, I’ll give you that, but the University of Denver at least gets their hockey games on national TV.

While your Rams are out there grazing on mediocrity, we Buffs are stampeding through life, academics and the Big 12- which is in the Power 5. I don’t expect your fans to know that, since there’s really no point for them to watch football.

I mean, nobody thought you’d win against Texas. But 52-0… I’m embarrassed for you, Cam. You know it’s bad when the other team’s star quarterback leaves the game and their backup scores two more touchdowns.

I think it’s really kind that you guys have decided to include the word “state” on all your football jerseys, instead of just “Colorado.” Now, none of our millions of fans around the country will accidentally order from your merch store. 

But enough about football, let’s talk about the good ol’ country folk you call fans. I’m worried that the parking spots at Canvas Stadium can’t fit all those massive lifted diesel trucks. I know that skirt you wear hides the massive equipment you have that your fans definitely lack. 

It also seems like you are pretty jealous of some of our… winter activities. I’m sorry you can’t afford a ski vacation of your own, but I hear it’s cheaper if you freebase it. Here in Boulder, we enjoy a good IPA and our High Noons. But hey, PBRs and Natty Lights are definitely more affordable, so enjoy your dirty water!

When you lose on Sunday, I want you to remember that it’s not that big of a deal, I mean, our record against you is 68-22, so the stakes aren’t that high. 

I know I’ve dogged on you throughout this letter, but I don’t want to gloat anymore. I really do feel sorry for you. Good luck, and don’t forget that a buffalo could trample over a sheep any day of the week.