A woman holds her phone. (Jackson Barnett/CU Independent)
Alexia: Hi! I’m Alexia Bailey, a freshman here at CU Boulder. While I may just be getting started, I’m here to share everything I’ve picked up so far, which is a surprising amount of information. “What’s eating at Alexia” is my unofficial and unfiltered guide to some of the things that being a CU Boulder Buff brings. Think of it as your guide to navigating everything that makes CU Boulder, well, CU Boulder. Whether you’re a freshman finding your footing or a senior with “no body, no crime” level grievances about finals week, I’m here to share my takes, tips and honest observations on everything from the sometimes-unpredictable Buff Bus system to navigating campus protests (or dodging them entirely). College is a wild, unforgettable ride, and “What’s eating at Alexia” is here to make sense of some of it, one opinion at a time.
The only thing that hurts more than a friendship breakup is slipping on ice when trying to exit a Buff Bus, but even then, it’s a close call.
Friendships can end for many reasons like distance, personal growth, misaligned values or simply drifting apart. Unlike romantic breakups, which are widely acknowledged and discussed in today’s society, friendship breakups can feel lonelier and harder to navigate. There’s no script, no clear rules and often, no closure.
With one of the hallmarks of the college experience being making and losing friends, this experience of “breaking up” with your friends is something universal. But with something so universal, we don’t know how to answer questions like how one recovers from a friendship breakup. How does one know when it’s time to let go of a friendship? How does one move on?
But lucky for you (and not so lucky for me), I’ve survived multiple fallouts of friendships, so I’d like to think that I am a little bit more than qualified to give you at least a tiny bit of advice when it comes to this heartbreaking situation.
The first step in ending a friendship is recognizing when it’s time to let go. As I mentioned, there are many reasons for doing so. On the first day of my psychology class, my professor introduced us to Gottman’s Four Horsemen of relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. When these behaviors take hold, they can make any relationship incredibly difficult. In my last friendship breakup, I realized it was over when I saw all four horsemen in full force. There was constant criticism, underlying contempt, extreme defensiveness and, ultimately, stonewalling. While some relationships can recover from these issues, for me, it was the breaking point. That was when I knew it was time to walk away.
In the immediate aftermath, know that it’s okay to feel sad, angry or even relieved after a friendship ends. What matters is allowing yourself to process these emotions rather than suppressing them. Feeling sad about the time you shared, angry that it ended sooner than you expected or even relieved that you no longer have to keep trying to revive a friendship that had already run its course, is completely valid and all of these feelings will dull with time. It also helps to practice self-care during this hard time. Watch your favorite Star Wars movie, eat those Girl Scout cookies or even just go for a walk; it really does help to take care of yourself.
I know that some people promote a one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with the end of friendships. But to that I say that you have to do what feels healthy for your mental and physical health. If blocking them protects your peace, then don’t hesitate to do it. If you’re okay with just having them on social media, then that’s good too. There is no one-size-fits-all guide on that type of thing.
And eventually, after the dust has settled, you may think about emotionally letting go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or forgiving, it just means moving on. One of my best friends once told me that “at some point, your opinions of them aren’t relevant anymore.” And I mean, at first, I resisted this idea. How could my feelings about someone who had been such a big part of my life suddenly not matter? But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how freeing it was. When a friendship ends, we often hold onto our version of that person, maybe it’s the way they laughed at our jokes, the way they showed up for us or the way they hurt us. We replay conversations, analyze what went wrong and cling to our last impressions of them.
But the truth is, they’ve probably moved on. And at some point, we have to as well. Holding onto anger, disappointment, resentment or even nostalgia keeps us tethered to a version of the past that no longer exists. Letting go and moving on means accepting that what once was is no longer, and that’s okay. It means being an adult in a situation where we all want to act out and be teenagers. When you’re at this stage of things, revenge can sound like a perfect remedy to heartbreak, but have we learned nothing from Star Wars? Revenge will lead you to the dark side, my padawans. Seriously, don’t do it. Thinking about it is all perfect and well, but I cannot in the right mind condone carrying it out. Once again, being an adult in this situation is key to moving on. It is key to being a bigger person.
Lastly, I feel that a good final lesson to this all is that in order to love, we have to accept the possibility of loss. I’d like to think of this entire process of grieving and moving on as the final act of love we can give to the people who once meant so much to us. We loved our friends when they needed it, and now it is time to grow apart as all things do eventually.
Contact CU Independent Assistant Opinion Editor Alexia Bailey at Alexia.Bailey@colorado.edu.
