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This piece is from the CU Independent’s opinion section. Any opinions or views do not represent the CU Independent.
“No” is a full sentence. “Because” is a full sentence. Discomfort is not delusional. The statistics I am about to share are not comforting, but they must be given the space to make you feel unsettled, because only by recognizing the urgency of this matter can we give it validity. Within that validity, we create the platform to spread awareness and confront the severity of this problem.
One in five women and one in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college. Unfortunately, this statistic doesn’t begin to reflect the true number of sexual assault survivors, as more than 90% of sexual assaults go unreported.
This is a tragedy that disproportionately affects women. An estimated 91% of victims of rape & sexual assault are female and roughly 9% are male according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.
Although strides have been made in terms of equality and breaking gender barriers, facts are facts. It is human to test limits; it is, however, inexcusable to test the boundaries of others.
As women, boundaries are not always easy to enforce. Women grow up learning that “sharing is caring” and that certain traits, like selflessness and kindness, are tied to femininity. We learn to excuse the early actions of adolescents because “boys will be boys.”
Within our cultural sphere, women who are more outspoken or stern are often perceived as “masculine” or “intimidating.” These early lessons, learned during pivotal moments of development, unfortunately create a foundation that gaslights women into believing their intuition is unreliable and that they risk being dismissed as “overly dramatic.” Later, it becomes harder to discern whether or not you are in an unsafe situation. This is the reason many women feel silence is their only option.
Autonomy should never determine the amount of respect a person receives. Too many people are confused by consent, so let’s define it. Consent is clear. Consent is never a “maybe,” and there is no gray area. Silence, when it comes to consent, is a response, and it means no. Furthermore, forced consent is not consent. Repeatedly pushing, using guilt, fear, or intimidation after someone has said no places your needs and desires above theirs, which is never acceptable. Consent is a firm yes, and every individual has the right to withdraw that yes at any point.
College can be confusing and disorienting, which is why it is always better to check in with a new person or partner about their level of comfort.
I am a woman, and I have felt burdened by this biological label because of the actions of others, just as so many other women have. It is incomprehensible that the immediate reaction to someone speaking out about what happened to them is to question their morality. It is sickening that being sexually assaulted carries more shame and distrust than being a sexual assaulter. It is wrong that a survivor must sit in front of a court so that others can decide whether their experience and their trauma are valid. As a society, we must change and we must protect each other.
Most of the time, silence can feel like the only option, especially when staying silent means avoiding invasive questions and the burden of having to prove the validity of your experience. But silence itself is immensely isolating. Survivors who remain silent often find themselves both comforted and deeply disturbed, recognizing that even though their world has completely changed, everything around them seems entirely normal. The sun keeps rising, cars keep driving and people still rush to work.
A survivor who wishes to remain anonymous described it to me this way, “There is a desire to scream, but it feels as if that scream is forever trapped in your voice box, a burning sensation that lingers for a long time, one that only you can feel.”
If you have experienced this, you are not alone. You are seen, and you deserve to take up as much space as anyone else. You deserve to shake the world with your scream.
Being a friend of a survivor is also a hard experience to navigate. If your friend has experienced sexual assault, it can be difficult to know how best to support them, which is why it is important to listen without judgment or bias. The person you are supporting had their choice taken away from them, so everything that happens moving forward should give them control over the situation and how it is handled. If they choose to report it, there are resources that can be explored, and it is important to support them through the process. However, if they choose not to, it is imperative to respect that decision and reinforce that their choice is valid and the only thing that matters.
In a perfect world, people wouldn’t ignore the needs of others for their own satisfaction. In a perfect world, “no” would mean no, and boundaries wouldn’t be redefined by someone else’s will. In a perfect world, women wouldn’t feel compelled to walk the world defensively, nor would their voices be silenced or their truths saturated with suspicion. I wish we lived in a perfect world, but since we do not, we can only hold on to the promise of a better tomorrow. If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you are not alone. If you are seeking support, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.
Contact CU Independent Staff Writer Sophia Neckin at sophia.neckin@colorado.edu.
