Courtesy of Monstera Production
This piece is from the CU Independent’s opinion section. Any opinions or views do not represent the CU Independent.
It’s officially been a year since I first attempted to dissect the complicated inner workings of the unique experience that is college dating. Since then, I’ve proudly been in several unsuccessful “situationships,” gone on dates that made me question whether I was still present in the fabric of reality, and entered my second relationship, which was about as short-lived as the lifespan of a fruit fly. All that being said, the one matter of fact I can confidently state, the one lesson I’ve learned this year, is that dating in college can be simply summarized as… fucked up.
Excuse my language, but I truly don’t think any other phrasing could capture the nauseating, frustrating, mind-vibrating sensation that dating in college provides. In my previous article, I ended with the hopeful message of finding yourself before you find your person. While I still believe that holds true, I’ve recently had an epiphany: maybe dating in college is meant to be incredibly shitty. Maybe the value lies not in things coming easily, but in the messy, confusing experiences that force you to question everything.
Now, if you’re one of the lucky ones who fall into the high school sweetheart, love-at-first-sight or friends-to-lovers category, congratulations. I’m not saying you didn’t do it right; you just did it differently. Growing with someone and being dedicated enough to make it work long-term through relocation, career beginnings and the challenge of meshing two completely different lives is its own kind of difficult.
However, I’m speaking specifically to the people who feel like they just can’t seem to get it right—the ones whose only intention is to find a partner but who keep meeting people that make them question whether they even want a partner at all. Yeah, I see you. I see you secretly watching The Notebook and hiding that Emily Henry book under your bed. I see you—and I am you. I also see the hyper-independence you’ve assimilated to because so many people have let you down. Being independent is an admirable trait; however, humans aren’t meant to be alone. We’re meant to lean on each other and form deeper connections, because that’s what makes life satiating, what puts magic in mediocrity. Life is pretty boring most of the time, and although our generation suppresses silence and sitting with ourselves like it’s a full-time job, there can be something really beautiful found in simplicity, in silence, especially when you can sit in it with someone else.
Each incredibly shitty date I’ve been on, every person I’ve wanted to check for a computer chip because my mind couldn’t fathom how they were a real person, has taught me something. Take this one guy; we’ll call him Colton. Colton was someone I went out with for about a month. During that time, he showed me how a potential boyfriend is supposed to show up for you in a lot of ways. He filled his cabinets with my gluten-free, dairy-free foods (yes, I’m aware my stomach issues make me high maintenance), brought me food when I was sick, and bought me those expensive Whole Foods flowers.
Colton, however, also had a bit of a gambling problem. I learned that guys who put in effort do exist, but I didn’t love the idea of someone who would always answer my calls while simultaneously blowing a couple of hundred bucks on baccarat. Lesson learned.
Another guy, let’s call him Abel. Abel and I only talked for about a week, yet I wouldn’t be surprised if an engagement ring had already been bought. We’re in college, and obviously, some people like to put a sock on the door. There’s nothing to be ashamed of as long as both people have agreed to explore that part of the relationship. I personally, however, did not feel like partaking in or exploring anything besides the fastest route to getting him out of my house. When I politely declined his offer, he was very understanding, so understanding and flexible that he said it was okay because he wasn’t picky and “didn’t care which hole.” Wow, what a gentleman. Flowers are out, guys; apparently, acknowledging the existence of multiple holes is in. Honestly, the only thing I learned from this experience is that some people are just weird and that I’m definitely not ready to get married.
The last one I want to talk about was a bit more of a serious lesson learned. It happened during a time when I felt so secure in who I was and what I wanted that I believed whoever came into my life had to be someone I was meant to be with. This is where I went wrong. I now think it’s actually in those moments when you feel secure that life tests the foundation of the security you claim to have. If you can maintain your sense of self and remember what you deserve when faced with a narcissist, that’s when you can confidently say that nothing, no man, woman or bad circumstance, can break you.
Let’s deconstruct some of the pillars of narcissism so you can recognize the signs. They are very hot and cold. One minute, they’re claiming to love you, and the next, they’re making jokes using your insecurities as the punchline. They’re pushy and treat your boundaries like a bouncy house; it’s all just fun and games, games they claim you’re playing. They rewrite the story in their heads to make it seem like you weren’t clear when you said no, making you rethink everything you said and did to see if there’s any truth to what they’re saying. They attempt to drive you to madness, drowning you in degrading questions. They yell at you and then immediately speak gently and lovingly, truly trying to make you distrust yourself. They laugh at the issues you bring up until part of you believes you were the one being silly. They might even accuse you of cheating as a method of distraction. This is emotional abuse, and the line between yelling and physical violence is often crossed too easily.
It’s hard to leave, especially when most narcissists refuse to exit your life quietly. In some cases, they might drop off a box filled with something they kept from every date you went on, along with a love letter. They might also show up at your house and refuse to leave, threatening to sleep outside. But I definitely wouldn’t know from personal experience or anything.
You have to remember that most narcissists have a warped sense of self and love. They mistake love for loving the way loving you makes them feel, or they love the things they can take from you. Real love will always be the urge to give, even when you expect nothing in return. Maybe I can’t perfectly define love, but I know what it feels like and what it means to love someone simply for who they are.
Anyway, the moral of the story is to stay hot and stay single. I’m just kidding. The real moral of the story is to sift through the shit happily, because even if you don’t find a partner, you’ll find resilience and new parts of yourself you weren’t expecting to discover.
Contact CU Independent staff writer Sophia Neckin at sophia.neckin@colorado.edu
